Fire and Smoke

Where there is smoke, there is fire.  Isn’t that the old saying?  And while it is fundamentally true, it doesn’t always hold true in the metaphorical.

So many things are on fire and burning in our world, making life hazy and hard to see clearly from all the smoke clouding our eyes. Perceptions are skewed, as if the smoke only gives us a single path for our individual understanding.  As if your idea is the only idea.  As if your path is the one true path. As if your truth is the only real truth.  But what happens when the fire within one perception kindles down to embers and you are allowed a real vision of another’s truth and it is so painful to feel and experience that it seems to break you?

You have worked so hard for so long, that as painful as it all was, you walked the love path, tried the peace path, found the acceptance path, and lived on the healing path for far longer than thought necessary. You have faced your personal demons (at least the ones willing to show their ugly teeth) all to finally land on the joyous path, the real compassion path, and now live the foundational support and general understanding of safety path. Just when life is getting really good, the smoke clears and you are faced with another’s harsh truth of pain, fear, anger, outward aggression and all out hatred.  It is not actually directed at you, but it hits you deep in the center of your very being because it is the very opposite of all you have worked for, carefully crafted, skillfully cultivated and beautifully become.  You are pure joy and healing, and yet someone else’s internal fire ends up clouding you from yourself.  And there you stand, with rings of grey clouds surrounding you like you yourself were an actual smoke signal.

I have no answer for what's next. How to handle this situation.  No pithy how to in 3 easy steps.  Only thoughts of smoke and of fire.

I guess you can have faith in this: A healers work begins with self and continues with supporting others in facing their own flames.

To the person spewing hate speech and anger at the drag show the other night;

You, a part of the LGBTQ community outraged by the atrocities in the world, feeling oppressed and unseen, using your hatred as fuel to get up in the morning all the while convincing yourself it is love, joy, and a fiery passion for life.

Me, just me with my empathetic connection, holding real compassion, not pity, certainly, but actual compassion for people in your state of expression, and yet your fear was so strong.  I was overwhelmed by your hatred. Looking into your eyes as you smiled at me as if you were offering me a gift. As if you wanted me to be just as angry and spiteful as you. As if you hoped we could find common ground in our fear, in our smallness, in our aloneness. Offering it as a gift of wonderful solidarity so maybe you wouldn’t feel so alone in this wretched world.

My only reply - "I am just not that angry."

I wanted to say so much more but it was all I could muster out loud, overtaken as I was by your pain.

Your reply - "I understand."

And as I walked away - "Well, we can’t all make a difference."

Did you say that out loud? Or did you just project your thought so loudly I couldn’t help but hear it? I often can’t tell the difference these days.  Some people project their truth so loud they don’t need words to be heard, wishing they could speak of it out loud, but too afraid to be seen. All while wishing to be understood.

I see you.

I see your pain.

I see your fear.

I see your anger caused by so many of your boundaries being crossed.

But did you know?

Did you even know you had boundaries?

Do you cross them yourself? Believing you’re small and unworthy of respect and love?

I respect you.

I respect you, even though you pushed hard to try to cause me the kind of pain you exist in.

I love you. I love you for who you are. Not because of who you try to be, but in spite of it.

I apologize for losing my voice as I was overwhelmed by yours. Now that I have been sitting with this up for two long nights, please allow me to respond to your pain.

I forgive you.

I forgive your hurt.

I forgive your pain.

I forgive you for forgetting your divinity.

I forgive you for forgetting your power.

I forgive you for giving your power away.

I forgive you for the mask you wear, and I forgive you for hiding your truth.

I forgive you for believing you are unworthy of love.

I forgive you for the lies you tell yourself in the dark when you’re all alone

I forgive you for ever believing you are alone and not connected to everything.

I forgive your hatred and your outrage.

I forgive you for spreading that hatred and outrage like a cancer in our world.

I forgive you for being a part of the problem.

I forgive your desperation, your addictions, and your neediness.

I wish I could have articulated this to you at the time. I wish I had been able to avoid the overwhelm, and yet for me to feel so completely is a gift even if encounters like these hurt me more than I can express.

I want to give you a gift.  That gift is my gratitude.

Thank you for being you.

As you are.

In all of your humanness.

In spite of the poison you drink as sweet nectar, one day you will find your beauty shines through so much brighter than the hatred you use to get up and continue on for just one more day.